Motherless Daughters
Lately I’ve been thinking about how we are all someone’s daughters and it is likely that some members of this women’s community have lost their mothers. Are you one of them? Do you still feel the gap in your heart from missing this special person? Do you face special occasions where her presence is sorely missing? No matter how many years may have passed, one’s mother is always a part of who we are now.
The gaps in our hearts are there because a mother died when we were young and we never knew her. Or, we have storage full of memories of a long life together and ache to continue to share life with her. Maybe the memories are crammed inside and it’s difficult to clear and make sense of them.
This is a community of women – all different ages and from many parts of the world. No matter what our age is or where we live, we still share similar feelings on the loss of a mother. Maybe we are mothers ourselves and mother our children differently because we no longer have mothers. What matters here is what our lives are like now that our mothers are no longer part of it.
Does it matter at what age we lost our mothers? Probably. There is a difference if you lost your mother as a young child, a child, an adolescent, a young adult or as an adult. Maybe your mother is alive somewhere, but abandoned you or is just not available to do any mothering. The impact of the loss affects everyone at every age differently.
We are not experts on the impact of losing mothers at different developmental ages. We are two people who have experienced losing mothers and seek ways in our lives to fill the gaps that mothers leave behind. Both of us lost our mothers – Pat at an early age and Karen as an adult with adult children.
It takes time to grieve and sometimes a lifetime. For some it is recent and daily memories are right under the tears in our eyes. For others, it’s the emptiness of not having that sits quietly in our hearts.
Whatever the loss, we still need to find compassion, love, laughter and mothering in our lives. How do we learn to mother ourselves after losing our mothers? By giving ourselves permission to nurture and be nurtured.
What nurtures each of us may be different, though the need to feel good about ourselves and experience love is present at all times. Sometimes what helps is to remember our mothers and allow them in spirit to be with us and guide us to finding ways to nurture ourselves.
We may be ‘motherless daughters’, yet we can create ways to nurture ourselves or let others provide us with love. Good friends are not mothers, but they do provide nurturing in times of need. No one can take the place of a missing mother, but others can certainly fill in at times of stress or sadness, and share in the joys that inevitably come along and would have been shared with a mother. It’s not the same, but continuing to share those special times with friends who are still in your life takes away the sting.
“Motherless Daughters” by Hope Edelman is written to all the women who have dealt with the loss of mothers. The author writes from experience as well as research about the impact of losing one’s mother at different ages. She gives us the opportunity to visit with our loss, understand it’s impact and find ways to move on with our lives without a mother.
Take time today to find ways to nurture yourself.
Karen & Pat
Tags: self-nuturing, unconditional love
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October 6th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I like this essay. I lost my Mom May 11, 2008{Mother’s Day] heart attack - passed on on May 15, 2008.
She was 81 years so dependent on us tthe last 2 years of Her life . Parenting 2 sons with Autism it is very
hard to take time for myself so when My mom needed Me I was not always there till Her last 9 months . how appropiate the time that it took to develop Me. Joana
October 18th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I lost my mom on Halloween 2001, she died of lung cancer. It has been a horrible 8 years since that time.
My father died 9 months after my mom, I had a miscarriage, and then in 2005 my husband of 13 years died at age 40. I was left with 3 children… and no one. I feel that empty lost feeling often and really miss being able to call Mom for advice.
October 19th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Joana
I love your connection in being there for your mom the last 9 months and the time it took her to nurture and give birth to you. A full circle.
Sounds like you are a giving person and you were there for her when she needed you the most.
No matter how old a mother is when she dies, she leaves behind daughters & sons who feel the lost. Somehow we need to bridge that lost by nurturing and loving ourselves…as best as we can given all of our responsibilities.
Thank you for sharing.
Pat
October 19th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Sue
You have been incredibly challenged the last 8 years. My heart goes out to you. You must be a strong person.
My mother died when I was young, so I have relied a lot on myself. Later on in life I allowed dear friends to help me through my challenges. There were times when I should have shared my troubles and I held them close inside. I hope that isn’t the decision that you have made.
I’ve learn a thing or two in my mature years and realized that there are people around me who are available if I’m willing to reach out.
Reach out and be nurtured.
Pat
December 13th, 2009 at 8:52 am
What a great article. My Mum has Altzheimers and she sometimes is not with us mentally. I am a (retired)nurse and have looked after many ladies like my darling Mum, I understand about dementia. My youngest sister is really affected by the mental loss of the Mum who used to call her my baby etc. My sister grieves often and gets really quite distressed. Counselling does help, but it is a very difficult time for her. My Mum is a gentle soul and I know that she feels our love even if at times she does not understand it or acknowledges it. I am sorry for the women who mourn & suffer from the loss of their Mum. Denise
May 3rd, 2010 at 6:19 am
Denise
Even if you know all about the disease, it’s still your Mum. Sounds like you are there for your Mum and your sister and I hope you find time to be there for yourself.
Pat